What is it with you people and “The End”?

You know who you are, I’m talking to you. The sort of people who, back in the 1960s and ’70s, would go around wearing a sandwich board bearing the legend, “THE END IS NIGH”.  Nowadays, you hide indoors, sitting on the internet wearing nothing but your old Y-fronts and a string vest, but you’re no less doomladen than your predecessors.  Hark! A bell!  For whom does the bell toll?  Well, ting.  Yes, your microwaved meal for one is ready – go fetch.

Seriously now, the world’s not going to end, we’re not all going to die at the same time and (you’re not going to believe this, but I’m going to put it out there anyway) 2010 is… Just. A. Fil-um.

Basement Jacks-Gate – problem fixed…

Well, the self-appointed security ‘gaffer’ has thrown in the towel.  As mentioned here last week, my office’s gent’s toilet seat was stolen by person(s) unknown.  While expecting our marauding Mr DayGlo Jacket carpark attendant to conduct a thorough investigation via his bluetooth earpiece, no doubt twitching his moustache, Poirot-like, in the process, it seems that the scoundrel responsible has eluded him. 

So, here he is, forced into fitting a new one –

Another Snore Patrol Best Of, already…

Hard on the heels of their Up To Now compilation, Scotland’s, Norn Iron’s, Britain’s, Ireland’s, Europe’s and SouthYemen’s finest band ever Snow Patrol are set to release a double spoken-word album* of singer Gary Lightbody’s endless platitudes to audiences all over the world.

His stock, crowd-pleasing utterances, in which he compliments the size or quality of any given venue or audience, have charmed armies of the converted for years. No matter the occasion, he seems never to tire of telling crowds from Belfast to Baranca, that they are simply the “best audience ever”.

‘Mystery’ Of The Basement Jacks

Desperate times call for desperate crimes.  But now, another kind of ‘desperate’ have nowhere to turn.  In a case that’s baffling even the most astute and eagle-eyed amongst us, the gentleman’s toilet seat in the office block I ‘frequent’ has been stolen. It’s used by at least three separate businesses in the block and also, no doubt, by several visitors, delivery men and couriers every day.  While it’s always tempting to believe that a stranger is responsible for such an opportunist crime, I have too much bitter experience of internal theft in the workplace to automatically believe that one.

Unfortunately, the “security” staff who “patrol” the industrial estate are as much use as a pair of glass buttocks. 

The Welch Squelch

First thing first: naturally, this blogger cannot contain his glee at Fiorentina’s marvellous 2-0 win over Liverpoo-el in their home Champions League encounter last week; witnessing the precocious talent of young Montenegro forward Stevan Jovetic come alive in front of Europe has put many, myself included, in mind of that young Viola star of two decades ago, Roberto Baggio.  Long may Jovetic blossom in Firenze - and for crying out loud, do not sell him to J******s at any cost.

Anyway, we might have had incredible young footballing talent 20 years ago, but thank Christ we didn’t have the eye-gouging, ear-bleeding awfulness that is TV3’s football coverage.  I won’t have a pop at the meedja’s Mr Versatile, Matt Cooper, whose presentation skills are not in doubt – even if his position as the channel’s Champions League frontman does somewhat put me in mind of the early days of Channel 5 in the UK, when they allowed horse racing’s Brough Scott to present their first live England football match, an occasion which, in turn, reminded me of one of those “In At The Deep End”-type programmes, where a bricklayer suddenly trains to be a stripper.

ICTU-three-four, ICTU-three-four…

Oxymoron alert – there are astonishing signs of progress in the trade union movement, according to this week’s thrilling edition of Industrial Relations News (a.k.a. Workshy Whingers’ & Malingerers’ Time-Wasting Pamphlet). 

In a story about a brainstorming session ahead of the next ICTU-led wave of protest campaigns, under the headline ‘Away day’ session as Congress unions plan next move, IRN reports that “some union leaders take the view that marches are a thing of the past’.  Unfortunately, this appears to be more down to inertia or a lost sense of direction rather than a glut of new ideas:

Lor’ luv a duck! Chas & Dave are Hovis, mate…

The news that celebrated ‘rockney’ duo Chas & Dave have split up will come as a massive shock to the millions of people who had absolutely no idea they were still together.  I have to admit, I was in that category myself, but not entirely due to ignorance.

For Whom The Annabell Tolls

Like many parents, I’m often concerned about the effect TV advertising has on my children.  Now, this isn’t simply me being tightfisted and worrying about the ‘pester factor’ when trying to do a supermarket shop (“Daddy, can we have a Barbie?  Can we have a water cannon?  Can we have a Black & Decker chainsaw?”), but just what messages the advertisers are subliminally putting into their suggestible little heads?

090909, 09:09am…

…good a time as any to come back, BACK, BAACK to the blog… apologies for my extended holiday, it’s nice to return.

The Pap and The Poop

This is a blog about a log.  Sorry about this; I’m writing from Scotland, where the locals (including most members of my family) are utterly charmed by tales of excretion.  Lots of non-Scots may think this is entirely to do with Billy Connolly and his jolly old japes about jobbies, but all he did was tap into a national obsession – not so much with our bowels themselves (that’s an Italian pastime) but with the end product.

This particular story concerns a photographer, who regaled some female relatives of mine with a particularly charming tale; to he’s now making a living taking pictures of nature and weddings but, once upon a time, he was a paparazzo.